Hi atuanle1,
I am very interested in your assignment and am confident I can create the entertaining and convincing video script you are looking for.
If you care to browse my portfolio you will see a folder marked Script Writing and a few sample pages of a screenplay I have written.
It's not strictly a "sales" piece, but I hope it gives a good indication of what I can do with dialogue in an entertaining way.
Having viewed your example, I can see where the problems lie and I am therefore confident I can liven it up in an engaging way.
I can begin forthwith and my bid price covers unlimited drafts until you are completely satisfied.
Thank you for considering my application and I hope very much to hear from you.
All the best,
Mitch